Life is Short

How many times have we all been told this? In the past two weeks it has become my reality. You see, my mom who has spent these two weeks in the hospital and has become nearly like a 5 year old is actually 67 years old. If I have a stroke at 67 like she did (which I don't plan on doing but if it happens....), I'm 35, which means I'm already half way done! What a freaking call to reality that thought is.

What was amazing is while back at work today, a woman who makes me absolutely crazy normally, we will call her Ben, sent me an email nosing around in my work that she knows how to do soooo much better than I do. Normally this would send me into a tizzy. Today, while taking calls from my dad throughout the day in order to handle things with my mom, that email didn't phase me in the slightest. I had bigger fish to fry. This woman's effect on the larger picture of my life is minimal. This thing with mom just brought the world into perspective. I'm a lot more than what I do.

I have amazing group of friends that I absolutely adore. And any of you that I haven't said this too recently, I love each and every one of you.

Well back to the books for me. I have a midterm on Saturday. After class on Saturday, I'm driving back to Omaha to spend a few days before returning back home.

At a loss

I have had one hell of a week. I don't even know where to begin. I could discuss the horrible customer service of United Airlines, but I'm at my destination now and that doesn't seem to matter to me anymore. I could discuss my absent mindedness and my inability to concentrate on anything of real substance. Or I could talk about how infuriated I am at my mom right now, who for the most part is a vegetable in a bed now, except for a few moments where the woman seems to come out of it.

Things aren't good. I don't see much improvement and from my understanding through the grapevine since I was in class when it happened, she has been turned down by one rehab center already because of her showing a lack of desire to get better. My dad hasn't told me of this yet. Honestly, I don't expect him too because I think he blames me because I told them about her 5 year long depression.

I have great and wonderful friends who have been amazingly supportive through this. I have sat here and gone through my contacts list on my phone several times thinking I need to talk to someone about this, a list that includes Ryan who left me a voice mail just a few hours ago. I don't know who to call. I don't know what I would say. I'm just at a loss for words at this point. I'm angry and frustrated and there is no one I wish to yell at and no way I know of to get this off my chest. So what does one do?

They are going to put her in a nursing home and she will rot for how ever many years she lives if she doesn't show a desire to get well. The only thing this will accomplish is to weaken my dad and his spirits. How do you be supportive through this? How do you allow him to make decisions that will do harm to him?

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just at a loss.

Miscalculations on that thread

First, I must acknowledge the fact that JP, the elder, wrote a comment in my blog. I was pleasantly surprised. And mildly shocked that it didn't include a reference to the explanation he has been trying to get out of me for a couple of weeks now. ;o)

Second, have to give more props to Aileen's email that has been reread several times now.

Third, a small bit of advice to add to those who wish to dare to stretch their thread of sanity to the brink of insanity as I have. Make sure you calculate for the unexpected log added to the fire! My mom was put in the hospital today. I didn't have room for that miscalculation. I trying to find more thread even as I type.....I have seven more weeks within which I have to continue to avoid the complete mental breakdown that looms in my path. More on mom tomorrow. Right now there is a spreadsheet, and a case demanding attention so that I am prepared for class tomorrow.

It must be the weepy day of the month! WTH!

Sometimes I think God is looking down on me looking for opportunities for payback because I'm such a pain in the butt. I'm on my way home from Target which though was a needed trip could have waited til morning but I was avoiding homework. I get all my stuff, and head out. I get going and I feel like I'm in that commercial for satellite radio, I can't remember whether it was for XM or Sirius, but where you begin to feel like they are watching you because they know exactly what to play. I have been missing Rob this week probably because of the 4th and I was thinking about him a lot because of the holiday. Anyway, before he left for Iraq the first time I sent him a song to remind him of me. I avoid hearing that song at all costs because it makes me sad. Two notes of the song, not even so much as a word hit the speakers and I'm crying, out right, no way to say it was something in my eye crying.

I pull myself together and I come online. I got an email from Aileen that made me laugh and feel a lot better about a situation, and then I read her blog. I haven't had the TV on in probably a week except to watch Big Brother tonight. And her blog tells me that Steve Yzerman retired!!! I'm crying again. Steve Yzerman was like a hero to every hockey fan that grew up in Detroit. I'm so sad. Ok, yeah, he had a 22 year long career, we all knew it was coming, but but but...seriously, I cried when he won the Stanley Cup the first time. To see him lift it over his head still gives me chills to this day when I see it! Hockey will never be the same! Thanks for the memories, Steve! I'm going to dig out my Stevie Y jersey to wear to bed...

How did you spend your summer vacation?

I have taken the entire week off as it only required three vacation days for me to get the week off. I must admit with the looming departure for Chicago tomorrow it doesn't feel much like a week off. Three classes has me sleeping less and less, good news, after this weekend it is only 7 more weeks of my life. Yesterday, I spent a majority of the day staining the decks. One is done, the other is only partially done and it is the larger of the two. Unfortunately, today I have to finish up preparing for class and doing laundry so at this point it will have to wait for Sunday. I think it will be an after work activity for the coming week. I'm also getting my hair cut today, and I have to get the oil changed in the Jeep. Putting 500+ miles on a week with the Chicago trip deems frequent oil changes and I have missed one during the hecticness of it all.

See how boring my life is? On the best note though, I'm down 20 pounds. I'm taking the slow and steady road this time and really making changes. It feels pretty good to have finally found my own path.

I'm proud to be an American

Ok, so every blogger in the US probably used that title today, but it fits. I LOVE the 4th of July. I always have except that one year I had the freak accident and a firecracker went off in my ear. LONG Story.

When I was a kid, most of the time we would spend 4th of July at my Grandparents house in Sioux Falls, SD. I loved my grandparents. My grandfather was every bit the Sioux Indian. He was dark and handsome. I remember him being so tall. But he was a gentle giant in my eyes and he loved me to pieces. He had the nose and the forehead and when he grew older he had this salt and pepper hair that made him look so distinguished. My mom would tell me stories about him from when she was a child, and I swear she described a different man. To this day, even if my version is tainted through the eyes of a child, I like my version better. My grandmother was spunky to the day she died at 91 years old. She would say "Tammy, don't let them pressure you into getting married. You have all kinds of time for that." I miss her. She hasn't been gone as long as my granddad who died while I was in college. Grandma only died a few years ago. I was the last one that got to take her out to eat. I know that sounds silly. I woke up one Friday morning and I was just pressed, it was just so heavy on me to go see her. I took a half day that Friday and I drove the six hours to go see her. I was last one to take her out to a restaurant to eat. She went down hill after that weekend and she was gone six months later. I didn't see her again after that weekend. As selfish as this sounds, I wanted to remember her the way I knew her.

The other great thing about spending 4th of July in Sioux Falls was spending it with my cousins. I loved seeing my cousins. I only usually got to see them once a year and I cherished every moment. From pillow fights in grandma's basement to fireworks at Aunt Linda's house, to talking about life (the grand lives we had back then) while waiting for Clark to hide.

I have very fond memories of the 4th's from my childhood. As we grew, we stopped going that week every year. I wish we hadn't stopped that tradition.

Today was a good 4th of July. The fireworks by the UniDome were very good this year and spending it with friends was good. I needed the time away from the books and the to do list. If only there were a few more hours in each day.

Tonight, I thought a lot about Rob and the sacrifices he has made for his country. He spent his 4th in Egypt. At least I think that is where he is still at. Rob, if you are still reading this...Thank you for all you are doing and everything you have put on hold so that those of us here can enjoy our 4th without threat or fear of losing what has made this country so great.

Towers and Views

• Last week Friday, while I was driving into Chicago, I was listening to CNN on satellite radio (how did I ever live without XM radio?). They were interviewing the sister of one of the men that was arrested for the Sears Tower conspiracy. First, seriously where do they find these people? This poor woman furthered the cause of every stereotype possibly given of her particular background. That is about as politically correct as I can say it. And it was obvious the woman was trying so hard. I really wanted to beat Lou Dobbs over the head. Until I reached the place on the Kennedy Expressway, where you come up over a slight rise and there is the Hancock Tower and the Sears Tower. I imagined what the skyline would look like without the Sears Tower and I found myself getting really angry inside. I have been coming to Chicago every weekend for almost two years. This has become my adopted city. The thought of something happening here and worse something happening to the people of Chicago had me twisted in a knot. All of the compassion I had for this woman drained out of me at the sight of this tower that most Saturday mornings before 9 AM I can't see the top of as it tickles the clouds. Suddenly I just wanted this woman's brother to pay for even considering for a second doing one thing to my city. Even tonight as I drove in, seeing the Tower had the same effect on me.

• I found another thing Leeners and I disagree on. I like Star Jones. I find her to be well spoken, intelligent, and real. What happened with Barbara Walters and ABC still has me a bit perplexed. If they said she could handle it any way she wanted, why did they have such a fit about her just telling the truth? She took the most courageous path. She admitted to the world that she was fired. She could have made up a story like they seemed to want her to, but she chose to tell the truth, which wasn't pretty. I was fired once. And never in a million years would I have gone back in there for two months after being told I was fired to work every day like everything was fine. For two months, they made her come in and do what they wanted like everything was just fine. But the moment she releases the information that she "felt like she was fired." which "HELLO, ABC - you fired her!, they all run for the hills and say no you can't come back now, you have made it too uncomfortable for us. They made themselves look like they were a bad dog that was running away with his tail between his legs. And the one in my opinion that came out looking the worst in this was Barbara. When she got on the next day and made her speech, in that "I want to help America understand my pain" tone of voice, that I'm sorry came off as nothing but condescending and said that Star chose another path than the dignified one we gave her, I really wanted to vomit. I have a feeling that Star will come out of his smelling like a rose. Every time I have ever known someone to be wrongfully terminated, it turns out to be a inflection point in their life and something amazing happens. As for Rosie joining the View, I think that is laughable. She had a show of her own which I watched for a long time, until she became so harsh with her guests that I couldn't stomach anymore. I think the banter at the beginning of the View will see its last days while Rosie is on the show because unless you agree with her, she just gets nasty. The point of the show at the beginning was to bring people from different viewpoints and perspectives together now everyone involved at the table appears to be from the entertainment industry. I might be from Iowa but I am no hick. And I am nine months away from earning myself a masters degree from a top rated school, but there is no one in the entertainment industry that I honestly think could express my view. The view has only one view now...and its looking through some rosie colored glasses.