Its 3 AM

I was going to put the song lyrics in here, but they don't really apply. But I love Matchbox 20 anyway.

I can't sleep. I woke up a half hour ago and let my black feline back in the house and now I'm awake. I took a half day of vacation today. I went into work and within about 20 minutes I was annoyed with those who have cushier jobs than me complaining about how they don't want to do their work when I watch them dump everything on someone else already. Then I opened my email and within 5 minutes wanted to throw every factory tactical person off the island. By this point I was staring at my puter thinking "This job SUCKS!" I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person. I'm gonna have sheepskins galore in a few more months along with a second mortage sized payment per month to pay back the student loans. And you know what...I'm a clerk. I'm a highly paid, unappreciated clerk. You might as well put me at the check out counter at Walmart and say "Scan this."

There are benefits to my job. I have gotten to see a lot of the world that I wouldn't have seen otherwise. I'm spoiled when I travel. I have some very cool projects going that I know will help my company a lot! But the day to day work...the mindless, mind numbing sit in front of puter for 8 hours a day work...SUCKS! And my pay sucks, and I keep thinking about 6 months after I'm done with school and that second mortgage sized bill starts rearing its ugly head and God help me I better be in a different job then I have now by then and pays a heck of a lot more or my standard of living is going to significantly decrease. This factored into my passing on the Miata, which I wanted ...coveted. This school thing better pay off. Everyone keeps telling me, it will pay off...when I complain about the drive. Today someone said that to me. I wanted to scream. People keep saying that and yet my position stays the same. I wanted to yell, "Will it?" "Are you certain?" "You have that same smile on your face that everyone else does when they say that?" Or my boss' boss...his line is classic "You are doing the right thing by going to school." Am I? Really? Are you just saying that? While you stare at me with those blank unreadable manager eyes? When do we learn that look? The look that says "I don't give a crap what happens to you as long as my career keeps moving?" Will it happen will I become like them...one of those robots that only cares about myself? Or will I keep helping my co-workers find good mentors? Encourage them to go to decent schools and go into debt? No, I won't get that look, I'll be like D squared...I hope I'm like D squared otherwise what's the point? The money is a product of the relationships, not the other way around.

Then I look at my friends who are married or having kids, I keep thinking I missed a boat somewhere. Yes, I focused on my career - everyone always knew I would. Yes, I have focused on school. Blah blah blah....

Anyway, after my coworker told me that school would pay off in the end, I decided I needed to get out of there before I suffocated, which was a real threat today. At noon, I popped my head up and said, "unless you have objections, I'm outta here for the day." To which he said "have fun studying." my response "Who said anything about studying, I'm gonna go dig in the dirt and find a new attitude. " And dig in the dirt I did...I went and bought $130 in flowers and I potted and planted the rest of the afternoon. Good for the soul. Just not good enough...cuz its 3 AM and here I sit. I should have changed into a tank today, I'm working on a dang good farmers' tan now.

For almost two years, I have been in a speeding car racing toward graduation. The last few days have brought the realization, that I am in a speeding car racing toward a marker six months after graduation....I hope that brick wall gets knocked down before I turn into a crash dummy.

Its almost 4 AM...maybe there is another hour of sleep in me before I go back to the think tank.