Margin for Error

Indigo Girls have a song that talks about a margin for error...I can't recall which one though, it isn't the title I know that.

Anyway, this week I had the distinct honor of meeting a friend for dinner while I was in KC to see a supplier. Actually it was a friend of an ex, who I have kept in not so close contact but when I knew I was going down there I contacted her to let her know I would be in the area. I hadn't talked with her since the time I was considering taking an assignment in Brazil and I hadn't seen her in two and a half years. She has a great memory, she remembered who paid the last time, she remembered I call my employer "Uncle John", and so much more.

It is rare to find a kindred spirit I have found, at least for me. Leeners and I are...But on a different levels. Our friendship was tried by the fire of stupid immature boys and forged by heartbreak, joy, and her ability to put up with my mania and me hers. My KC friend who I will refer to as KC now, is different kind of kindred. She knows me even when I didn't know myself. She treaded a path I am on long before I did. So she was able to tell me everything I'm going through is normal. Nothing better in the world than to find out things are normal when you think you are the oddest duck in the pond. 3 hours and a bottle wine, we talked about a lot of stuff. She told me I hadn't left much margin for error in my life....That's the truth, oddly, I hadn't even considered it. She also said I'm still running and not ready for a relationship. This I have given much thought, why have I been running so hard?

We talked about marriage and the sacrifices, and the difficulty of allowing the submissive side to come out. (Aileen pick up your jaw...hehehe)

It was an intense three hours, and yet so NEEDED. So thank you KC for helping me get my arms around my own head.

During the conversation I found out that my ex's mother died, she was this amazingly strong, wonderful woman. I almost cried when I found out...Kept it together! But I thought I should contact him but that will open a can of worms that would be painful for both of us and in reality I would be doing it for me not for him.

So now after talking with her, I have been thinking a lot and someone this morning said that I'm so scared I don't trust. This is true...I just don't know how to fix it. Perhaps it goes back to that margin for error thing...